Peter Kay One-liners. ENJOY!!!!

PETER KAY ONE LINERS

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one
day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are
you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit
salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up
and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Best regards from Tony

Thanks for that Tony

I love Peter Kay and that gave me a ring chuckle

Great way to start the day ~