These might bring a smile to your face - I hope so:-)

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.



I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She
said "Tenpin"?

I said, "No, permanent."



I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The
guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."



I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."





Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase
and he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??

He said "No, I've got China in my hand."



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best Before End'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
"Analogue."

I said "No, just a watch."



I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a
kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"



I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't
remember his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I
couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of
voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."






I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener.

I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

He said, "I know, this is for the custard."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of
very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for
me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you
having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but
I'm not promising you anything."





I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I
have a skip outside my house?"

He said, "I'm not stopping you!"



I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest
the bull goes first"

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"



I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he
told me I'd been promoted.

I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.

He then made me managing director and I went right off into
a tree.

The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I
careered off the road"



I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you
couldn't swing a cat in there.



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me
how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."



I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out
The Elephant Man?"

He said, "He's not your type."

I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

All of the best from Anthony (Tony)