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 THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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yourguider

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PostSubject: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:14 pm

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


I have deleted this lesson due to it being offensive to someone and I apologise for this.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'


'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Last edited by yourguider on Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:26 am

Being a practicing Catholic I have to take exception to Lesson 2. I find it very offensive.

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PostSubject: Re: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:23 am

I can respect your opinion Theresa, but I must not be practicing my faith as well as you, because I thought it was funny.

I better get to reconicilation before Easter though...
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PostSubject: Re: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:34 am

Ron

Not getting into a debate about religion, I am just saying what I feel. I did not even read the rest after that one.

I go to daily mass and my Catholic faith is the most important thing in my life. You can make fun of me but never my faith, I will defend it with my life. To me that is a slap to all the priest and religious that I know and as one who contemplated the religious life I find the sexual overtones as offensive. Celibacy is a great calling and this joke is making fun of that beautiful aspect of religious life.

Then misusing a quote from the bible for sexual implications is sacrilegious.

You can put people from any religion in that and I will not find it funny.

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PostSubject: Re: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:19 am

Then I can truly learn something from you. Thank you.
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PostSubject: Sorry   Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:51 pm

Hi Theresa,

I am so sorry that I have offended you, it was not my intention.

I am a totally 100% believer in GOD and our LORD Jesus CHRIST and am extremely religious in all of my actions and beliefs.

However! My religion is personal and the church where I pray is wherever I may be at that time and I do not need a self proclaimed priest to tell me what to do, I ALREADY KNOW!!!

Please read on:


I do not believe in the HUGE LANDOWNER in our country (UK) called the church (Which was MAN MADE!!!)

The god that we believe in did not ask us to dangle huge wealth in the faces of people with a lessor wealth or a poverty stricken audience as is done.

However, I sincerely apologise to the reference of a NUN. I totally respect their calling and to give up all of their worldly possessions for their belief they prove that they are not just praying for themselves but for others.

They make their commitment of living an extremely simple life just so that they are able to help others, which is way beyond most of our individual calling.

I believe that we have to have temptations put in front of us in order that we can show proof that we can overcome them when we are called to rights on judgement day.

Each of us (hopefully) give to others in our own way.

We all have our own beliefs that should be totally respected by others!!!

History proves over and over again how wrong it is to enforce beliefs on others.

I run my own NON-PROFIT charity and I accept nothing in return!

I have worked in countries where poverty is rife, people are dying of starvation and curable diseases, yet the churches were huge, dripping in gold and expensive ornaments and their priests have a lifestyle to die for.
The main country where I worked was Romania from 1991 where one of the main churches is of Catholic faith.

Sorry, for going on a bit, I do not normally voice my personal religious beliefs as I DO respect that others have their own views and again as history proves, many wars have been started over people trying to impress their views and beliefs on others.

Again, please may I send my sincere apologies to those who have given all for their belief for my reference to a Nun.

If the moderators of this forum receive any other complaints, I would ask them to please remove this item and again accept my sincere apologies if I have caused any upset.

God Bless you all x x x
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PostSubject: Re: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:51 pm

I respect your views and I not enforcing mine on anyone. But I will not let my thoughts go under heard if I am offended.

But just because you do not like priests it is not okay to use them as a butt of a sexual joke. Temptations against purity are taken way to light in todays society.

I know many priests who do not live a life to die for. For most it is a life of sacrifice and I am proud that my nephew wants to become one.

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PostSubject: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:37 pm

Ok Theresa, Please forgive me that I beg to differ.

I wholeheartedly agree that hopefully there are only a few that spoil the good intentions of the majority, unfortunately I have not met too many of the good ones but I do know that they are there.

My very best regards to you from,

Tony.
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PostSubject: Re: THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE   Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:10 pm

Tony

I hope you meet many more good priests they far outshine the bad example of the few.

Thank you for editing it.

Theresa

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